In the most successful year I’ve had career-wise, I fell into the deepest hole of sadness that I fought almost every day to get out of.

This is probably the most vulnerable piece I’ll ever write and I am still unsure how or honestly what came over me to share this but I hope this sheds light on what depression looks like on someone who is typically, never sad.

Please excuse the grammatical errors in advance.

This year was my most successful year career-wise. As an influencer, I partnered with some of the biggest worldwide brands such as Nike, and nationwide brands such as Food City, Academy Outdoors, Khols, and more. Not only that but I finally became verified on all my social platforms and as a business owner in my first year, I made what I made working full-time for someone else and traveled wherever my heart took me.

 Best of all, I became an ambassador for the Chamber and completed a program that helped push my business even further, so a big thanks to 100 Knoxville. Yet, in all my accomplishments, in all the things I ticked off as “done”, my journal had countless entries that had the resounding theme of unhappiness.

In 2023, I worked as hard as I could to grow and start the foundation of something that could help my family make more money and create more freedom. I worked so much and so hard that I consistently lost sight of what all the hard work was for. 

As a mom, I felt nothing but guilt. Guilt for how well Alina knew my schedule of constantly being at a laptop, guilt for barely having time to converse with my husband (even while traveling), and even more guilt for the number of times I counted on one hand that I spent with friends. This year I cut ties with many people. My heart felt free but became heavier as the ties continued to be cut. 2023 was a year of consistently having to explain myself even when I knew my explanation wouldn’t be enough. By the last quarter, I became tired of talking and cut and lost even more people.

For the first time, I knew what it was like to be surrounded by success ( and by success I mean completing my own goals of what I called success) and feeling completely alone. In 2023 my communication with anyone outside of clients was almost zero and I despised stupid quotes (and people) that would say “You make time for what is important to you”. Being so stretched and feeling so thin-literally, how could people not get that I barely made time for me, let alone time for them? In 2023 my ability to have time was scarce let alone having the ability to “make time”, between remembering my schedule, Alinas and my husbands, 2023 felt like it was only beginning and here I am, December 31st realizing how quickly it ended.

In 2023, I had no idea what balance looked like. I read more books than I can count. Audible was tired of me and my eyes were sore from the nights I tried to make time to learn and read more. 2023 was an uphill battle of grinding to be the best and grinding myself into the ground. In 2023, I can tell you how many times I smiled but I can’t tell you how many wins I had- I had a lot.

 But yet here  I am. On December 31st all those countless wins had led me here. Sitting on the restroom floor, in a stunning hotel in New York, sad. Sad because I can count how many times I smiled but I can’t count how many times I secretly cried. This constant pressure to be as good as I can at what I do, and make myself proud, and grow something for Alina all somehow began to feel like a mask that musselled me. But as I gasped for air in celebration of a win, the exhale and attempt to have another one felt more and more suffocating.

In 2023, social media became draining. There were days I prayed it would crash, only to give me a day of not feeling like my win wasn’t enough. 

In 2023, for the first time in 31 years, I knew what depression was and openly told my husband how being drained made me not want to be here anymore. I wasn’t suicidal, I just, I  felt so overwhelmed and unable to understand what was making me feel so overwhelmed that the only common issue felt like me being here.

In 2023, to my followers, my friends and even my family, I had big wins. So much to be grateful for and somehow I lost track of that being my word of the year to feeling like being stretched was the only word that truly explained how I felt. But being a new entrepreneur that everyone already knew as “busy” I didn’t want to then make out like I was stretched- because who wants someone to manage anything of theirs if they appear to be too busy let alone stretched? So in 2023 in all the wins I won, what I really “won” at was being the world’s greatest mask wearer for those who know me, probably feel so bad for being fooled by me but until today I wouldn’t have used the word depressed but for most of 2023 I was deeply depressed.

It was the end of 2023 and like any influencer I was getting ready to do my big hooray post of all my accomplishments and my biggest flexes and heard a whisper, to read my notes to myself and look over my most googled history, and that was when I realized, Steph, you weren’t okay for most of this year.

So why am I sharing this? I’m not and will never be a content creator who comes on social media crying or doing any of that stuff but, what type of “influencer” would I be if I knowingly knew that there are so many of us who have done and probably is doing what I did and is AMAZING at having won, but equally as amazing at hiding the deepest lows.

To be honest. I have no New Year resolution but to be happy and hopefully inspire you to do and be the same. 

As we sit and write out our goals for 2024 may the top of that list say “to be happy” and let everything else fall where it may. Social media is a wild place, heck, the world is a bloody wild place, but what makes it easier and that much more tolerable is having a tribe of some sort to help make it just that much easier… I created a course, in the depth of my wins that would help mummies become bomb content creators and learn the art of telling stories to grow their influence, I aimed to create something that could help make you money, until today.

 If you have or want to sign up to purchase my course to help you become a full-time content creator, here are a few steps to doing that and being successful at it. 

Love what you do, even if it doesn’t make you a dime.

Love what you do, even if no one knows what exactly that is.

Love what you do, even if that is ever-changing as you build content.

Love what you do, even when and if you don’t win or get anything out of it.

For 2024 my year will already start as a happier one because I know what was missing in most of 2023, and that was love. The moment I turnt what I did into a business it became that, a business- and not a very successful one in its rawest form because I lost the love for it.

I made time for what I truly could make time for but that wasn’t the things that were feeding me, it was the things that could feed my business to hopefully help be the building blocks for growing something for my child. I loved and love how much my husband had done for our family but as a woman with a daughter, I wanted her to know that as a woman, she too has the power to be powerful and bomb at whatever she chooses to do, when she chooses to do it, but what does any of that matter when you’re unhappy?

For 2024, as much as I love social media, my due diligence of how and when I use it is going up and I’ll be encouraging all of you to do the same. And as much as I love the news, not all news is for me to know, because I was today-years-old when I realized how much the news aka constant bad news, has affected how I think and what I do. In 2023 I fought the opinions of people that thought I travelled too much and wouldn’t have to time partner with them. I went above and beyond to show my worth that I forgot what and why I did what I did. My worth was tied up in how many clients knew how much I loved what I did rather than saw how much I loved what I did. In 2024, if you don’t want to work with me, I ain’t fighting you too. In 2024 I have decided to love my work and world again and separate myself from constant grinding to be whoever, and just be.

In 2023 I was sad because I was overwhelmed and trying to do it all. In 2024 I will train and outsource brilliant moms to do what I can’t because I’m 31 and no one has time to be learning a new skills that we know good and well we ain’t built to learn.

In 2024 I refuse to feel guilt. Guilt for not answering draining calls, guilt for feeling so overwhelmed by so many messages and emails that the ones that count I somehow miss. Instead, I’ll be honest; “ I can’t support that million-and-one free event at the moment because I’m drowning in learning how to be a wife, mom and business owner and making money to make it make sense while practicing self-care…” Okay maybe not that honest but honest enough that my guilt to please everyone won’t be there anymore.

In 2024 I won’t be sad by the things I don’t get invited to because I was busy the last two invites. In 2024 I won’t take things personal. If I’m not invited, okay and if I am, great, but the little things will remain as just that, little things.

I say this all to say. Truly, I am grateful to the most high that the thoughts that overwhelmed me didn’t overtake me in 2023. Christ alone is why I’ve made it to the end of 2023 and although thats clichè its a clichè that I’ll fight to hold onto so I can make it through 2024.

Thank you to everyone that has praised,prayed and lifted me and my family all year. I promise that in 2024 I’ll continue to do the same for you and some.

May this year be the best year we’ve ever had, and if it isn’t, may the most high God grant us 364 more days to reflect and have a chance to change it and do better for the following years to come.

 Happy New Year.